Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
