In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
