apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
