I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
