saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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