dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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