This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
