Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
