just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
