I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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