Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
