How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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