I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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