Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
