I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
