I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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