I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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