and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
