mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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