I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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