I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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