I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
