It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize