His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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