Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
