I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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