i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
