I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i came on her dog
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
