is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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