Christians are straight up FREAKS
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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