Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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