He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
