if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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