i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
