Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
