what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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