we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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