I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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