need another drink. this is the easiest way
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
