just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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