That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
