so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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