Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
