i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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