im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
