i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
