My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
