my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
