I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Please, let me fuck your mom
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
