Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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