my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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