The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
