i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize