remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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