I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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