Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
