I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
