My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize