I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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