I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
