You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize