i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
