I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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