Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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