I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize