Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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