it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
